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The Waking of Splitenz

by imx

There I was sitting in my long johns on a quiet Sunday morning, reading Point Cast news when the RED phone rang.  I was expecting the President, however, it was Coey, and I accepted the collect call anyway.  She was frantic…. “Splitenz is SLEEPING on the air “ she breathlessly exclaimed.  I thought about this for a moment… and replied, “and?” “We have been trying to call him, and wake him up! He has been snoring on the air for the past hour!” she cried.  Of course. being the curious minded, I said OK… let me see what I can do.  After all, one cannot just jump into the batmobile without knowing what dangers are ahead.  So after finishing the news article I was reading, I turned on WVRR, and there, just as Coey had explained, was Splitenz… snoring. 

Now I have never been over to Splitenz’s place before, but I had a good idea where it was.  I had the address, which I had scribbled, on the back of a matchbook cover.  (OK it was the back of an envelope, give me a break, I am using my creative license here to enhance the story).  As I pulled into his driveway, I phoned SeeRay on my Dick Tracy wristwatch, calculator, and phone.  (I had just gotten it the day before and was happy to try it out).  I obtain the correct building in which we believe Splitenz is sleeping… er living in.  I start pounding on the door.  SeeRay is laughing so hard on the other end of the phone I though he was going to wet himself, and I hear Sharsee in the background singing “Bang, Bang on the Door Baby”.  Which was too funny considering that Splitenz had sung that song at the Road Trip 99, in Florida.

So there I am just pounding on the door, SeeRay, Sharsee and Papu said that they could hear my pounding over WVRR. So I tried the Sliding door… well this search for Split went on for a good 30 minutes.  I was starting to worry that I had the wrong place, and was sure I was going to be shot by some guy whom I mistakenly woke up.  SeaRay convinced me that I was at the right address.  (Like he cared, his butt was safe in at home, while I am out here in Seattle pounding on the door).  We were about to give up, as I walked around the building… and then I saw it…. The OPEN window!  And what to my wondering eyes did appear?  Wait, that is too close to that other story.

Anyway, there was Splitenz… still in his best tie-dye shirt… sleeping comfortably over his keyboard.  By this time SeeRay and I were laughing so hard we were in tears.  So I poke my head into the window and yelled at Split. “DUUUUUUDEE  WAKE UP”.  His reaction was “whaaaaat?” I told him that he was still on the air.. He mumbled something, and I told him to go open the door and let me in.  The said something about $2.95, and appeared to be heading for the door.  So I went around to the front door and waited … and waited… and waited.  Hmmmmm this is not right…. So I went back to his window. He was now curled up and sleeping comfortable once again.  So after waking him a SECOND time, and several colorful word from him, he realized that he WAS on the air.  And yes, he did eventually let me in, and after a good 30-45 minutes of being severely harassed, I left.

For the services rendered, I received a ticker tape parade down the hall and a firm boot in my butt, as he kicked me out the door.  And that is the Tall Tale of the Waking of Splitenz.

imx