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The new millennium, wow! What a wonderful vision this was, to see the start of a new era was a wonder that each and every person on Earth looked forward to. I, for one, was really looking forward to it; to me it signified new beginnings. Wonders I was looking forward to seeing, new things I was looking forward to experiencing, to be such a tiny part of unfolding history was and is awe inspiring. It also held untold sorrow. Sorrow I wish had never seen but I have learned to accept what cannot be changed and to live with the memories. I am so thankful for the memories that live on.
My baby sister, who had been in remission from Ewing’s Sarcoma for 7
years, who had married and given birth to two beautiful daughters, was told the cancer had returned, not just returned but was also found in her liver and her lungs. My sister was 21 when she found out; her baby daughter was 6 weeks old.
During this time I, myself, had returned to college, where I was trying
to get my Associates Degree in Public Service with a minor in Paralegal Studies, and separated from my husband of 23 years. I finished the fall semester and made the Dean’s List with a 3.667 GPA.
During winter break before the next semester’s classes started I learned the doctors had told my sister, Janita (Neat), that they wanted to amputate her left leg at the hip, they told her that her body was not capable of handing all the chemo and radiation, and that if they amputated the limb she would have a better chance of surviving the cancer. She chose to have it amputated in the hopes that it would give her more time with her children and husband. The surgery was scheduled for the day after Christmas 2004. I was there with her. I would have gladly traded places with this courageous young woman. She never complained. She didn’t complain when the chemo and radiation made her so sick she couldn’t eat, when it made her to weak to even sit up. She did not ever ask “why me”, I wonder now if she ever even thought it.
I thought she was brave at 8 years old when she was first diagnosed,
even then when we all know children can be cruel to others that are
different, we never heard her complain, she would be sick and your heart would ache for her and she would turn and smile…. Smile at me and tell me “it’s ok sis, you get used to it, and I will get better”.
When she was 14, she fell out of a hay wagon at Halloween. It broke her thigh bone of her left leg and they put a metal rod in it, the chemo and radiation had made the bone to brittle to heal. She never complained, not even at the crutches she had to use for 6 months.
I was grown and married when Neat was born; she was a year younger than my own daughter. I never even saw her in person until she was 5 years old. But we had a special relationship. We were sisters, the oldest and the youngest. She always said I was unique and she was outrageous, and together we were uniquely outrageous. As she got older we turned out to be more than just sisters. We were also friends, and there was no one I respected more than her. No one I was more in awe of. She had an inner beauty and spirit that kept her strong. She nursed our dad until he passed away. The last 6 months of his life. She even dropped out of high school so she could care for him.
She came thru the surgery for her amputation great. Her doctors were amazed that she didn’t have more problems, but she was in a hurry to get home to her girls. It was the holidays and she wanted to be with Leah and Autumn.
A month after she was home Neat started complaining bout bad headaches that wouldn’t even let her eat. She went back to her doctors. They ran some tests and found the cancer had spread to her head, not actually in her brain, but causing pressure, and they were inoperable. They told her they had spread because they had had to stop the cancer treatments so they could perform the amputation and started her treatments back up right away. This did help her headaches and she was feeling better.
Then, in February 2005, she thought she had the flu, so she went to her doctors and they put her in the hospital. I talked to her that Thursday on the phone. She told me she was coming home Friday, and we made plans for me to visit her the next weekend.
Midnight Saturday I got a phone call to get to the hospital as soon as possible. It wasn’t looking good and Neat might not make it thru the night. My other two sisters and I went together. Neat was unconscious when we arrived. I stayed at her side for 6 hours, the last hour she was fighting the respirator tube. I held her hand; she turned her head and tears leaked from her eyes and I
knew she was trying to tell me bye, and I knew the tears weren’t for her but for me, but I refused to tell her bye. I refused to tell her it was ok to let go, that was so selfish of me I know, but that was my baby sister, 20 years my junior. She wasn’t suppose to go before I did.
My other sisters finally got me to go to the hotel after the doctor had
been and said everything would be ok at least for another 12-24 hours. We were gone 5 hours. While we were getting ready to go back to the hospital we got a phone call. Neat had gone. The cancer didn’t get her. Her heart gave out first.
Neat had gone home. 27 Feb 2005, she was 22 years old, the first US
citizen born in Guam on January 1st, 1983. She is my hero. She is my
standard by which to live. She never judged, always accepted, she
always treated others as she wanted to be treated. She never complained but made the best of what she had. How she got to be so much smarter than me, her big sister, I’ll never know, but I strive now, everyday, to live as she did..
And as Tim McGraw so simply states “Live Like You Were Dying”. Maybe one day I will be as courageous and brave as she was. I
doubt it, but I will not let her down by not striving to do the best I
can.
CarolinaSass
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